I’ve been thinking a lot lately how I hardly talk to my “best friend” anymore. We’ve been so close since 7th grade, but now I’m lucky if I talk to her once a week. And some of the times, I don’t even want to talk to her. We’ve always been such different people; different thought processes, different upbringings, different interests, different priorities. Just different fucking people. I used to think that’s what made it so easy for us to be so close, we always had something to talk about always something to explain. We’re pretty much polar opposites though. She’s always been popular, funny, friendly, good with talking, boys like her, girls like her, everyone likes her. She doesn’t have any medical problems, her mom’s always let her do things, go places. I’ve always tried to look past that, tried not to be jealous of her, but lately I haven’t really even been jealous anymore. I’ve been angry. Even despite that fact that I always felt less than her, and sometimes she even made me feel like it, I might not ever know if it was intentional or not, but despite that I was always there for her. When she got dumped, when her parents fought, when people ignored her, teaching her how to get stains out of carpets and clothes, I even taught her how to put a fucking tampon in. And me, the virgin of all virgins who had no experience even hugging a boy, gave her fucking sex advice and told her how to french kiss and gave her advice on if she should or not. I never judged her, I never questioned her, I never let her do stupid things. I looked out for her, I’ve always been there for her. But lately she just hasn’t been there for me and it really hurts and i don’t know what to do about it anymore. I haven’t seen her since the beginning of March, and before that was rare too. I understood though, then at least. I had school and my sorority, she works nearly full time. We had busy schedules that just always clashed. But I’ve been on summer break since the middle of May and, excluding when I went to Canada and most of this month, I’ve done nothing. And all of her days off, she goes to her boyfriend. She just pushes me, the one who’s always been there, to the back burner and it really fucking hurts. And even when we talk, it’s always about her. I mean I don’t really have a lot to talk about anyways, but when I do she’s either too busy to talk to me or we just don’t talk about it for very long because she thinks of another story to tell me. And it’s just the fact that she has had so many days off and we’ve both been free at the same time, and my mom is more than willing to pick her up, and we’ve made so many plans, and more often than not we end up not hanging out because she goes with her boyfriend. I would understand if it were her family, I would understand if it were work, fuck I’d be fine if it being her boyfriend if he had a fucking terminal illness. But it’s not, and he doesn’t. It’s just my best friend, my first friend ever even, that just ditches me for her boyfriend. I get it, they’re still in the honeymoon phase, and he’s a really good guy and he treats her right. But I still haven’t met him. We could all hang out together. Is she just embarrassed of me? Am I not good enough to meet him? I even met her last boyfriend, I talked to him a lot, too. I’ve never even talked to this one. And it’s just not fair that she can ditch me for her boyfriend and even when my boyfriend was visiting me from his home country fucking three thousand miles away I still made sure we hung out with her whenever she fucking wanted, I worked around her schedule. And she lives fucking twenty minutes from me and she can’t find time for me even for an hour. I’ve tried so hard to be a good friend to her, and I’m just starting to feel like she doesn’t care about me at all.
Just kind of really sucks.
But it’s me. And I always just sit there and take it because I care too much, and I’m scared if I say anything she really won’t want anything to do with me, and I need her. I just kind of hate being me.